After our return to Japan from The Great African Trek last December, Boyfriend and I have taken to watching a lot of Animal Planet, National Geographic and Discovery Channel.
He thinks he is a game ranger. Alternatively, the host of his own wildlife show.
`OH! That’s an impala`, he will tell me, jabbing his finger at the screen. `It’s almost as common in Africa as the sheep is in New Zealand.`
`I know. I told you that`, I say.
`OH! That’s a kudu. They are beautiful and a little shy. I ate a kudu sausage once. It was delicious, but kind of dry.`
’ I KNOW! I was there! I ate some of it with you!`
`Now, this is my favourite animal! The giraffe! It’s tongue is very long and purple and quite rough. Also, it has stinky breath.`
`WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO?! I WAS THERE!`
We watched a show about the Savannah - it followed a small female cheetah trying to hunt and provide for her family during a particularly bad drought. She leaped and stalked and ran a hundred million bazillion kilometers, but soon she was starving and unable to catch anything.
Her cubs cried for food. I cried too. I wanted to give them some of my sushi dinner, ‘here you are baby, have some raw tuna.’
The focus of the show suddenly shifted and we were watching a bunch of baby Thomson’s gazelle, leaping around like crazy things.
LOOK AT IT!! CAN I HAVE ONE?! Oh god.
They batted their eyelashes at the cameras and posed with their dainty little feet delicate on the ground, while their tails whirred in the air like propellers on toy helicopters.
I named him Flutterby (because I am seven and have a large collection of My Little Ponies).
Fatal mistake. Learn from me, internet people, never name a cute baby animal in a wildlife show because then THIS HAPPENS
and WHAT THE HELL DO YOU DO?!
I screamed at the screen `FREAKING FLUTTERBY, RUN ! FASTER!`
but then I remembered the starving baby cheetah cubs, wide eyed and mewing while their tummies growled in the tall grass.
I hate you, Animal Planet. I really do. Jerks.
I turned off the TV. I have no idea who won. From now on, I will be devoting myself entirely to America’s Next Top Model.
