For years, I was very proud of the fact that I was a sane person. I might be a little kooky and overly expressive with my emotions, but for all intents and purposes, I am in possession of a full set of marbles.  I used to be a smug about the fact that, although I had lost both parents, an elementary school friend, grandfather and aunt, I didn’t ‘give in’ to grief and lose (what I saw as) self control. I didn’t start taking drugs, I didn’t become depressed, I had (relatively) good marks in school, I didn’t rebel or cut myself or cut others. I didn’t attempt suicide, shoplift, become an alcoholic. Hell, I didn’t even feel sorry for myself. I was determined that one decided whether to be depressed about a situation. I had no sympathy for people who wallowed or wailed or wilted. I was prejudiced.  With age has come the realization that 1) I didn’t survive purely because I chose to, I survived because I had family around me (granny, I’m looking at you) who wouldn’t let me fall, 2) I am lucky enough to have a good brain and a good set of tools at my disposable -  I am a fast talker, a people person, fiercely loyal and able to see the solution to any bad situation and 3) not everyone is as lucky as I am. Not being depressed is not the same as not being optimistic - optimism is a choice, clinical depression is a disease. IF you are lucky enough to be able to choose, every day, how you feel and act , then dammit, choose the HAPPY route. (I might often act and write snarky on here, but I’m a pretty peppy person. I just do the cynical stuff for my street cred.) The one thing that really hit hard from losing most of the people I loved at a young age is this : IF you love someone, they WILL die. Now, at 27, I love more people than I am comfortable with :  family (most of them harhar), boyfriend, friends.  How have I gathered such a large motley crew of lovable people?! I am comfortable loving MAXIMUM 5 people at a time because that’s the most amount of grief I think I could stand before I lost my mind.  So. I am asking you : How can you stand loving people? How do any of us stand it? (I don’t have any answers. Yes, that’s right. You just read through this whoooole thing, thinking that when you got to the end, all the bits and pieces of my mumbling would ve tied together into an Oprah shaped package of wisdom and advice, but here you are, at the end and all you’re thinking is, ‘MAN, being human sucks.’  Sorry bout that. All I can tell you for certain is : we love because we can’t help it. Even Tom Hanks loved a volleyball on a deserted island and if you can’t trust Tom Hanks, what kind of world do we live in?)

For years, I was very proud of the fact that I was a sane person. I might be a little kooky and overly expressive with my emotions, but for all intents and purposes, I am in possession of a full set of marbles. 

I used to be a smug about the fact that, although I had lost both parents, an elementary school friend, grandfather and aunt, I didn’t ‘give in’ to grief and lose (what I saw as) self control. I didn’t start taking drugs, I didn’t become depressed, I had (relatively) good marks in school, I didn’t rebel or cut myself or cut others. I didn’t attempt suicide, shoplift, become an alcoholic. Hell, I didn’t even feel sorry for myself. I was determined that one decided whether to be depressed about a situation. I had no sympathy for people who wallowed or wailed or wilted. I was prejudiced. 

With age has come the realization that 1) I didn’t survive purely because I chose to, I survived because I had family around me (granny, I’m looking at you) who wouldn’t let me fall, 2) I am lucky enough to have a good brain and a good set of tools at my disposable -  I am a fast talker, a people person, fiercely loyal and able to see the solution to any bad situation and 3) not everyone is as lucky as I am. Not being depressed is not the same as not being optimistic - optimism is a choice, clinical depression is a disease. IF you are lucky enough to be able to choose, every day, how you feel and act , then dammit, choose the HAPPY route. (I might often act and write snarky on here, but I’m a pretty peppy person. I just do the cynical stuff for my street cred.)

The one thing that really hit hard from losing most of the people I loved at a young age is this : IF you love someone, they WILL die.

Now, at 27, I love more people than I am comfortable with :  family (most of them harhar), boyfriend, friends.  How have I gathered such a large motley crew of lovable people?! I am comfortable loving MAXIMUM 5 people at a time because that’s the most amount of grief I think I could stand before I lost my mind. 

So. I am asking you : How can you stand loving people? How do any of us stand it?

(I don’t have any answers. Yes, that’s right. You just read through this whoooole thing, thinking that when you got to the end, all the bits and pieces of my mumbling would ve tied together into an Oprah shaped package of wisdom and advice, but here you are, at the end and all you’re thinking is, ‘MAN, being human sucks.’  Sorry bout that. All I can tell you for certain is : we love because we can’t help it. Even Tom Hanks loved a volleyball on a deserted island and if you can’t trust Tom Hanks, what kind of world do we live in?)